It's interesting

Even the closest and truest friendship can come undone with time. I think that's as good as it'll ever get. I'm almost sure of it. I can say it, even though I've hardly lived, because I don't think I'll trust that well again. That's okay though, most everyone I talk to everyday is boring as fuck.

hores

I get the Dean's Scholarship every year. It's easy; you just write an essay in reponse to the prompt the school gives. It's always stupid. Of course it's stupid, the school is writing it.

This year: "Describe a situation which demonstrates initiative and your willingness to go above and beyond."

I should get a million dollars in financial aid because that's a fucking ingrammatical prompt! It should be "that" in place of "which," unless they decide to put a comma before "which."

Ugh. I wish I could just write a prompt about hores. It would be so much more interesting and hilarious. I wish I could be the exception. I'm such a baby.

I wanna baby!

A puppy that is!

When I was pretending that I was going to buy a dog at the pet shop so the sales people would let me play with the puppies, one chick told me that boston terriers are good for people in apartments. They don't need much exercise. So I played with one and she totally grew on me! She was freaking adorable and so funny! The chick then told me that they're considered the clowns of dogs. I have no idea if that's true, but she was so cute. And instead of black spots, she had brown spots and green eyes. I wish I could have taken her home.

Boston terriers and I could also be fucking lazy together. Look at her! Man, we could totally just chill and watch Law and Order marathons together!

Maybe I'll adopt one during the summer when I'm in Austin? I'm just so nervous I wouldn't have enough time for it. I've never had a dog without having a backyard for it to play. I would feel so guilty penting it up in my tiny tiny teensy apartment.
Maybe I'll just be a foster parent :( Even though I know I'll get too attached immediately.

Good thing my bosses bought us all tacos at work today. It's so nice just being in a small bookstore and eating with your only two bosses (& the only other two employees aside from the volunteers). I've only been at Resistencia for a week and I've learned so much. Plus, we've gotten super close with each other: they've already critiqued my poem while we eat tacos, I get to cuss with them, joke with them, poke fun at them, and be completely honest if I have no idea wtf they're talking about. It's true what they said during the interview: as soon as I start, I'd become part of a family. I'll definitely keep volunteering there after my internship is done with.

Time to sift through grad schools to see if I can shrink the number from 35 to 16ish? And even that's a lot. Hmph :c

P.S. Bolden Creek Cafe's coffee sucks nuts and so did their desserts. Fair Bean Coffee's coffee was fucking heaven but why the fuck do you have to stay there to get their bottomless-cup if you work across the fucking street. Ugh. Such an unwanted dilemma that I will bitch about endlessly.

oh yeah

Girls are so pretty. Sometimes I forget why I also like boys. Then that cute barista boy with the bushy eyebrows hands me my coffee.
Oh yeah.

Everyone is just so attractive.


Other news: my first poem was workshopped today. I don't think it went well, but I think it's just this workshop. I think that maybe the white kids felt uncomfortable with my poem, just like white kids might feel uncomfortable while reading The Bluest Eye. Not that my work is anywhere near as good as Toni Morrison's-- it's light-years away-- but I think my poem made some people uncomfortable. Sarah spoke up, but she's Mexican. Carrie rambled for a while-- as usual, which is always cute, but I it takes up a lot of time. No one else talks anyway though, so I guess time doesn't matter. Doug Dorst rambles so much, too. And I've had him for two workshops, so I know it's consistent. Oh well. I suppose professors can't help but ramble on something they know a lot about-- and both of them know a hell of a lot about craft.
During the weird, quiet moments, I imagine myself dropping the workshop. I think I would, but I like having a specific assignment with a poem.

Big Bangs (15-line limit poem assignment)

"Big Bangs" by me

Grabbing for her during the darkest parts of the morning
Big Bangs were a-whizzing in the points of my frame
pads of my fingertips
cliff of my nose
edged-lining of each toe
her dark matter swallowing up my purposeful perfect vacuum

Twitching with temptation to blow out newly given galaxies
before the laws of cosmology were contradicted &
the weight of an infant universe
bled inward, threatening to radiate my core

I keep my mouth on her instead, reciting:
a stellar explosion can outshine galaxies

Denying the possibility of my body
left celestially-pimpled
with greedy black holes

two interacting galaxies

como en vez de bailar

I just woke up a couple of hours ago and feel like I got a lot accomplished.
I picked up my LED fairy lights, strung them all around my bed.
I went to the corner store and bought Mexican cookies [with the lemon in them (thanks for giving me the weeks-long craving, nancy lili g!)], a pint of ice cream, ice cream sandwiches, lemon chips, and almond M&Ms. Thanks, PMS, for giving me the insatiable cravings of a pregnant woman.

In other news, The Austin Femme Mafia's Winter Wonderland Ball  is at Spider House tonight. Well, actually it's in about 3 hours. Hmph. I really wish I could go, especially since it's only nine bucks and I've never gone to a femme thing. Unfortunately, my friends are straight. So what, right? Wrong. My straight friends are lame. Even when I mentioned that I really wanted to go, all one of them said was, "Well, go." To which I said, "Oh yeah, I'm going to go alone and come back on the bus at two in the morning in a dress-- alone?" To which she said, "Well, be careful."

Ugh, how frustrating. I was so pissy about this last night that I even told my dad, since he noticed I was in a shitty mood. He's the most liberal Hispanic man I know, which is surprising since we don't get along, and he's always had gay friends. He even told me he was dancing with one of his tranny friends at a bar with his other friends. It was pretty adorable to hear the story while I was steaming.

I honestly would go alone, but I get panic attacks sometimes and having one around adorable girls sounds unappealing. I don't want to get too upset but I find myself seriously mourning the fact that I won't be there. I have a feeling that I'm upset because the same reason I want to go is the same reason I won't be going: I want to hang out with different people.

This picture sums up the day (so far) in a nutshell (not really, but I wanted to post it anyway)


I wish I had better things to say, since this post is kinda negative and I'm trying to stop that (without meds), but I suppose stringing my lights and cleaning my suitcases out cheered me up a little.
Plus, I feel happy with the idea for a poem I have due on Tuesday. Well see though. I have no idea what to expect.

P.S.
One my of favorite childhood songs:
"Show Me Love" : Robin S

sweet buns

I have no idea why, but I decided to start an unnecessary tumblr dedicated to buns: Sweet Buns.
Maybe it's my hair telling me I should stop chopping it off so short.
Oh well.

phew

"Or, as Toni Morrison points out whether consciously or not: 'the readers of virtually all American fiction have been positioned as white.'"

I got the internship at Resistencia Bookstore/Red Salmon Arts, a publishing company that affiliates itself with people of color (i.e., blacks, mexicans, native americans). I'm super excited to organize events and get to know other writers in the community, especially people that won't complain that I have some Spanish dialogue in my stories.

Apparently, the man who started the bookstore just died from cancer so they were talking about him a lot. It's a shame I never got to meet him, he sounds so incredibley inspirational.

I didn't know I had gotten so energetic from the meeting, but I'm still up (AND I didn't have my coffee today), so I guess I'm pretty fucking happy.

"Bracero Program Snapshot" by me (first draft)

This is the first draft of a poem due tomorrow. I would love any feedback.
Don't be scared to be mean. I need to get thicker skin anyway.
BUT
I do hope you enjoy.

Update: it's gone now. Sorry.